Caring for an older spouse
We talk all the time about the issues involved in caring for an ageing parent, but what happens when you are caring for an older spouse? Deborah Stone, co-founder of myageingparent.com, discusses her own parents’ story
You can’t help who you fall in love and decide to spend the rest of your life with
If you marry someone with who is a great deal older than you, say 10, 15 or 20 years older, you don’t think about the consequences later on, but usually, there are consequences
My own parents married when my mother was 28 and my father was 46
They had been going out together for eight years by then and eventually my mother gave my father an ultimatum…marry me, or let’s go our separate ways!
My father was 47 when I was born and 51 when my youngest sister arrived. We never considered him old. He was our dad….
I can distinctly remember, however, having a party at my house when I was 16 and one of the boys there asking who the old bloke was. It gave me a real shock
My mother and father had a great life together and were married for 41 years
For the last 8 years of that, however, my father suffered from vascular dementia, which meant that his memory and mental capacity slowly deteriorated over time and he stopped being able to walk, or care for himself
My mother, aged only 61, suddenly became his carer and she was fantastic at it, but it was enormously stressful, upsetting and soul-destroying for her to watch the man she loved age before her eyes
They had had a great social life, which suddenly stopped and my mother couldn’t go out at all unless one of us was able to come over or we could get help
As my father worsened, we helped my parents relocate to London from Manchester, so that my mother could have us around to help her (we all lived in London), but she had to sacrifice seeing all her old friends in order to do this
For myself and my sisters, it was tragic as well. We couldn’t talk to him and get advice as we used to and much more sadly, his new grandchildren, were essentially unknown to him
My elder son was the only one of the five granchildren my father was well enough to relate to and he was so delighted to have a grandson as he ended up with three girls
Having finally got his longed for boys, he was not well enough to enjoy them and my elder son is the only one with any memories of him. He would have loved seeing them all now as teenagers
Life after losing an older spouse
Losing a partner at any age is devastating, but particularly so when the person left behind is still relatively young
My father died a week before his 87th birthday, but my mother was only 69
It has been very hard for her to move forward without him, knowing she has such a long life on her own, but she has done so admirably
She still misses him every day, however and cannot replace him in her life
What we did do, however, was to get her a wonderful little dog called Poppy, whom Mum adores and who has been a godsend for my mother. She is far less lonely and has a constant companion to chat to and curl up in front of the TV with every night
Some people may remarry of course and if they can, that’s great
Those who choose not to need to find other ways to move on, via pets, or hobbies, or volunteering or just relying on family and friends
Whichever way they live after losing an older spouse, we should never forget how hard it is to live for so long without their life partner
We offer an expert care advice service
Grace Consulting provides affordable fee-based independent advice to help you choose the best care option to suit you and your relative’s needs and wishes. Our Care Advisers provide the knowledge and support you need to make the right decision for you and your family. myageingparent.com is partnering with Grace Consulting, the UK’s leading provider of personalised independent care advice, who, for over 40 years, has specialised in finding the best possible care for older people. Please note this is not an Age Concern or Age UK service.
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Deborah Stone is co-founder of myageingparent.com, the site which helps you help your ageing parent
