What should you know about Funeral Etiquette
Here is our guide to some of the most common queries that people have about funerals and funeral etiquette.
When a family member or close friend passes away, it is an emotional and stressful period of time for everyone involved and when it comes to the deceased’s funeral, people often worry about what to wear and what will be involved in the funeral.
You do not have to be invited to a funeral and if you knew the deceased, you can attend the service. The only exception is when the family specifically ask for a private service. In this case, you will have to attend the grave or the cremation memorial at another time to say your goodbyes.
Are children allowed to go to a funeral?
In short, the answer is yes, but it is not the best idea to take young children to a funeral, as they can easily get bored and fidget, especially if the service is a long one.
This can be disruptive to the whole service and, if possible, you should ask someone to look after your child or children when you go to the funeral.
If a child wants to go to the service, it is advisable for the parents to talk to them about what to expect during the ceremony beforehand, so that they are emotionally prepared and feel as comfortable as they can.
What should I wear?
Traditionally, families and friends would wear black outfits, but in recent years this trend has begun to change. Nowadays, men don’t wear suits that are just black, although it is not advised to wear brightly coloured suits, whilst women generally wear smart dresses.
The people organising the funeral will give those attending the ceremony details about any specific instructions of what to wear. Unless specific instructions are given, it’s safe to assume that smart and dark will be the dress code.
Churches and cemeteries can get very cold during the winter months, so it is advised that people dress up warmly, so that they do not get cold during the service.
What should I say?
Speaking to the chief mourners either before or after the funeral is a must. If you are unsure of what to say to the deceased’s close relatives, then you should express your deepest sympathy and say a few words about how you knew the departed and say a few kind words about them.
Some of the family and loved ones will just need to talk to someone at the funeral, so let them. Don’t ask too many questions and instead listen to what they are saying.
If you are a close friend or relative of the deceased and have been asked to do a reading, then it is best to share happy memories of the deceased. It is also a good idea to include a bit about what the deceased did and why they were so loved.
Where should I sit during the service?
If you are not a close relative, then it is best to try and sit in the middle of church as the chief mourners and next of kin will sit at the front of the church.
It is best not to sit at the back of the church as sometimes you cannot hear any poems or readings being read out, so by sitting in the middle you should also be able to hear any readings during the service.
What follows the service?
Once the service has finished, everyone will stand and follow the minister and chief mourners out of the church or crematorium chapel.
Commonly headstones and other memorials will not have been put up yet, but at church ceremonies family members and friends will walk down with the coffin to its grave where the vicar or priest will speak as the coffin is lowered into its final resting place. Family and friends may lay some flowers down and say their last goodbyes once the minister has finished speaking.
At a service in a crematorium chapel, the coffin will usually remain on view until a curtain is pulled in front of it.
After the service has finished, the family or friends of the deceased will invite people back to their house, or another meeting place such as a hotel or pub for some refreshments. These refreshments are usually in the form of a buffet and drinks.
Should I send flowers?
If you are a close friend to the deceased, then sending flowers is a good idea. It is a traditional way to show your sympathy and the family will really appreciate it.
You can send your flowers to the church, or to the home of the departed person’s family. Before you send the flowers to the deceased’s family you need to make sure you have a little card with a short message to go with the flowers, which has words to the effect of “With deepest sympathy”.
If the families ask for donations or money to charity instead of flowers then you should follow their request.
Some religions, such as Judaism, do not have flowers at funerals, so it is best to check with the family or other close friends before sending any.
What should I do if I am asked to be a pallbearer?
Being asked to be a pallbearer is a great honour and should always be accepted unless you have a special reason why you cannot.
Pallbearers should ideally get to the church or crematorium at least half an hour before the service begins, so that the funeral director can talk you through what you will be doing.
As previously mentioned, people attending a funeral should be dressed smartly, but being a pallbearer means that smart dress is essential.
