Sharing elderly care with siblings

Family cohesiveness can often be difficult to achieve, but as parents grow more dependent,  often siblings begin to argue, just when they need to rely on one another

Sibling rivalry can emerge, or intensify, as adult children vie, one last time, for a parent’s love or financial support

And even as parents grow dependent on children, the desire to cling to old, familiar roles can create a dysfunctional mess

It is crucial for families to work out how to care for their elderly parent together and to work through any differences they may have.  If they don’t, their parents will suffer—and so will they

That is easier said than done. Here are some suggestions:

Start again with your sibling

• Try to put past difficulties or current resentments to one side and discuss what is best for your parent. If you have fallen out with your sibling in the past, try to give them another chance, but be realistic about what they will and will not do
• Agree what needs to be done and share out the roles according to distance, time and as far as you can, fairness
• Talk regularly and openly about the situation
• Understand that siblings living closer to the parent and dealing with more day-to-day care will be stressed and tired. They need understanding. This should not make you feel guilty
• Keep in touch …phone, text, email.
• Ask for support when you need it
  • Meet the GP and discuss your parent’s needs, ideally with your sibling and if this is not possible, having agreed it beforehand and debriefed afterwards
  • Ask the doctor for care support and assessments as needed
  • Ask for support if you cannot agree amongst yourselves
    • Remember to keep your parent’s welfare paramount. If you are struggling to see eye to eye with your sibling, get an independent neighbour, friend or GP to help mediate
  • Support from a distance if you are not close with dealing with financial and other administrative affairs
  • Keep a sense of humour if you can
  • Remember you are not alone. Millions of people in the UK are dealing with the same issues as you