Five key problems facing carers and how to solve them

Being a carer for an older parent or relative can often be a tricky thing for families to negotiate. On top of the emotional stress that this can cause for everyone, there may be issues of cost, differences in opinion between family members, and even unresolved family issues, all of which can muddy the waters.

No one wants to make matters worse for their elderly loved ones, so it’s obviously a time to put aside differences and all pull together to reduce anxiety.  We’ve identified five key issues that families may face at this difficult time, and offer some tips on how to resolve them.

1. What can you do when your elderly parent resists care?

It is often difficult for your elderly parent to accept that they need help and support. They will fear the loss of their independence and they may also nurture real concerns about being ‘put into a home’, i.e. into residential care.

It’s essential that the whole family discusses the issue together before broaching the subject with their loved one so you can present a united front. Do not press gang your older relative into agreeing to care. It can be a slow and frustrating process, but you must be patient and listen to their concerns.

This means planning ahead and agreeing on some options to present to your parent/s. If you’re all expressing the same level of care, concern, and solutions in a positive way, it will go some way to providing reassurance for your older relative. Having a range of care options to discuss may allay their natural fears and means they feel more involved in the decision making process and less anxious.

A family meeting may be a good time to consider organising a care assessment and Legal Power of Attorney (LPA), so some or all of the family can make decisions on behalf of the parent/s. This can provide peace of mind for your loved one. as someone they trust will be making decisions for them. Read more about LPAs HERE

These articles all offer some useful advice for people thinking about care options for their older parents:

How to broach difficult questions

Ten questions you must ask your parent

How to discuss care issues with an older parent

Top tips to keeping elderly parents in their own home

Practical tips to get your elderly parent the best care

Guide to social services for older people

2. What can you do when siblings disagree about care needs and options?

Conflict often arises when adult siblings don’t, or seemingly can’t, agree on the care needs of their elderly parent. Long-standing family arguments, resentments and old patterns of behaviour can interfere with rational thinking.

If siblings can’t agree about how much care a parent needs, or about whether the parent needs care at all, then it’s time to seek expert guidance from outside the family. This could be done via the parent’s GP surgery, and you could ask social services to organise a care assessment at your parent’s home.

It’s hard to argue that no care is needed when healthcare professionals give their objective view and can provide definitive answers to your, and your parent’s, questions. Seeking advice early on may help to avoid unhelpful and unnecessary family fights.

The following articles both provide useful tips:

What are community care assessments

How to get the best from a care assessment

3. What can you do when siblings don’t share the load equally?

Another common problem which often crops up is when one sibling becomes the main caregiver, often a daughter, or the sibling who lives closest to their parents.

The lack of help and offers to share the load can cause great resentment and anger amongst siblings, some of whom feels they’re the only one pulling their weight and others of whom feel guilty that they live too far away or can’t manage to do more due to work commitments..

Pecking orders and old habits die hard within families, but if siblings aren’t helping, then the main caregiver must insist on help. We all make the mistake of presuming that everyone sees and understands the problem as we do, but sometimes you have to just spell it out and ask for specific help.

Suggest practical ways they can help. Even if they don’t live nearby, there are plenty of things they can do, such as paying bills, researching care options etc. Importantly, they could have your parent to stay for short periods, so that you get some much-needed respite.

If family disputes are too complicated, then maybe it’s time to organise some extra home care for your parent, so that you are not shouldering all the work.

Our Guide to social services for older people may help provide ideas and you may find our article on sharing care with siblings helpful.

4. What can you do when you’re a member of ‘the sandwich generation’?

Longer lifespans, coupled with more and more women starting families well into their 30s and early 40s, has resulted in a phenomenon called ‘the sandwich generation’. People (usually women) find themselves juggling the needs of ageing parents and teenage or young adult children. Clearly, this is a stressful situation and often the cause of stress, arguments, resentment and fatigue.

The most important thing to remember in this situation is that you can only do your best. If  that means getting help with the care of your elderly parent from external agencies and siblings, then that is what you must try to do.

Teenage and adult children should also be encouraged to become more involved. They can visit their grandparents, help with household chores and gardening, and even help to get them online.

It’s important not to get so focused on your elderly parents’ needs that you forget to look after yourself and pay less attention to your partner, children and friends. Try to schedule time out and periods of respite.

Our article Juggling older parents and teenagers provides more detail on how to stay sane.

5. What can you do when family members live some distance away?

Traditionally, families stayed physically and emotionally close and caring for frail relatives was simpler, as there were plenty of family members to keep on eye on elderly relatives. Today, however, many families are more dispersed nationally and internationally, as people move to study, work, find affordable housing, or retire. It’s not uncommon for siblings to live at opposite ends of the country, or even different countries and they will inevitably lead busy lives with families of their own.

Older people generally expect to be cared for as they cared for their own parents and can suffer huge disappointment when this turns out to be impossible. And in turn, siblings often endure feelings of guilt.

Talking about care options within the family as early as possible will help create a ‘to-do’ list, with actions that can be shared. This might include, talking to the GP and social services, making the home safer with the help of an occupational therapy expert., installing assistive technology, such as personal alarms, organising a befriending service, day care visits and using voluntary community transport options to avoid isolation.

We have a number of articles that can provide useful advice on caring for an elderly relative from a distance:

Caring for elderly from a distance – Factsheet

Knowing elderly are OK from a distance,

How have you and your family managed to deal with caring for an elderly relative. We’d love to hear your suggestions – why not let us know by posting on our forum or visiting our Facebook page to share your experiences?

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