How coaching can help carers of elderly

What is Coaching?

Coaching helps you handle what life throws at you

Sometimes things gets tough… suddenly you’re aware that your mother and/or father are getting older and that your relationship with them is changing. Whether they realise it or not, they need your help

Coaching offers an oasis, where you can talk about what’s happening, gain perspective and find ways to move forward

Coaching is confidential. The coach listens without judging, helps you work out what’s best for your ageing parent and for you and provides support as you take decisions and put plans in place

How is it different from Counselling or Psychotherapy? 

A social worker can advise you about your choices and what processes to follow

Counselling or psychotherapy can be useful if you are feeling really unable to cope –usually looking at your past and how events earlier in your life are ‘getting in the way’

A coach will empathise with your feelings, but the main focus is on problem-solving and moving forward. So it’s more future facing…

 What kind of issues can you talk to a Coach about?

Having an ageing parent affects us all in different and sometimes, unexpected ways

A coach is willing to listen to whatever issues are most important to you

A coach can help people with a range of issues, such as:

• How can I make sure my father eats properly, now that my mother can no longer cook for him?
• My mother getting older has made me start to worry about my own signs of ageing and what will happen to me in the future
• I want to support my ageing father but I have a husband, teenage children and work making demands on my time as well
• I need to look at all the options for extra care for my mother, from having him move in with us to finding a care home. I’m feeling overwhelmed by it all

 What are the Benefits of having a coach?

My own mother gradually declined in her 80s, was diagnosed with dementia and is now in a Care Home

Finding a coach helped me deal with both the practical and emotional challenges I had to face

For example, coaching helped me to:

• regain some peace of mind – I found it useful to have regular time slots to review how the dementia was progressing, what impact it was having on the family and how to assess and handle the risks
• make choices – initially everything felt very jumbled up. Coaching helped me untangle what I was feeling, to look at the ‘least worst’ options and to find ways of coping that were right for me
• communicate with my siblings – we needed to discuss the best ways to keep my mother happy and safe in her own home and to agree  when was the right time for her to go into a Home
• look after myself – coaching helped me realise that feelings of guilt and sadness are unavoidable and that maintaining my own health and resilience would be of benefit to me and also help me to be a better carer for my mother

Why not just talk to family and friends?

Hopefully you do have people to talk to about your ageing parent. But often, friends and colleagues are too busy getting on with their own lives to really listen, or they may find the subject uncomfortable, or ‘too close to home’.

Sometimes family members can make you feel worse by ‘dumping’ their own assumptions and opinions on you, or trying to ‘cheer you up’. You may feel obliged to say what you think they want to hear, rather than what you really feel

A properly trained coach will listen without preconceptions. He or she will guide you towards finding your own solutions, gently pointing out any inconsistencies and helping you find inner strength

How does it work?

First, you would have an introductory meeting with the coach to make sure this is someone you can talk to and to discuss what you want to get out of it

At the first coaching session you’ll agree some goals, for example : ‘I want to feel better about this whole situation’, or ‘I need to arrange quality care for my father-in-law’. (These goals might start fuzzy and become clearer over time)

You might have about 6 to 8 sessions of 45 minutes every other week, depending on your needs. Once goals have been achieved, the coaching comes to an end

Coaching can be done face-to-face. It can also be surprisingly effective over the phone, or by Skype

What if you’re too busy supporting your ageing parent to take on coaching as well?!

Sometimes it helps to stand back and review why you’re so busy and stressed and you would only need to find one hour a fortnight for coaching. This could save you time and make you feel more in control by:

• spending less time worrying about all the ‘what-ifs’, making better plans, having clearer priorities and focussing on the essentials
• finding ways to get help with looking after your parent(s) so that you have more time for yourself or at least a little ‘time off’
• building better relationships with everyone involved with looking after your elderly parent(s) so that things run more smoothly
• making sure that you spend ‘quality time’ with your ageing parent so that, as well as the tough times, you have some good memories to look back on
  

  myageingparent has teamed up with Grace Consulting to offer you expert care advice

  Grace Consulting provides affordable fee-based independent advice to help you choose the best care option to suit you and your relative’s needs and wishes. Our Care Advisers provide the knowledge and support you need to make the right decision for you and your family. myageingparent.com is partnering with Grace Consulting, the UK’s leading provider of personalised independent care advice, who, for over 40 years, has specialised in finding the best possible care for older people. Please note this is not an Age Concern or Age UK service.

  Call now on 01483 209626 to get the help and advice you need at our preferential discounted rates

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Lesley Trenner is a ‘Change Coach’ with extensive coaching qualifications and 10 years experience of working with individuals and organisations who are undergoing change. She likes to work with a variety of people from different background and has a particular interest in the opportunities and challenges presented by ‘mid-life’ changes. Lesley is based in London and works with clients in person, by phone or by Skype.