Dealing with loss of a parent
Saying goodbye to a parent is one of the hardest things we face in our lives
It is also something that almost everyone goes through. Losing a parent means a loss of childhood, of innocence, and a part of oneself. No other bond exists like the one with a parent
Grief
The circumstances around a parent’s death effect the intensity of grief. These can include:
- The current and past relationship with the parent
- The individual’s age at the time of the parent’s death
- The timing of the death :was it sudden or expected?
Your particular experience will be influenced by the specific circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background
Relationships with others
The death of a parent may also result in significant changes in your relationships with other close family members
You may feel a greater sense of responsibility to support and care for your surviving parent – a responsibility that can be difficult to manage as you cope with your own grief
And of course, your remaining parent will also be grieving in a different way
If you have siblings, the death of your parent will probably effect them differently to how it is effecting you
A parent’s death means having to reassess the past while dealing with the present. Everyone has had a different relationship with the person who has died
Expect that there may be arguments and differences of opinion within the family. Siblings may also find that the death of a parent brings up feelings of old jealousies and rivalries from childhood
It helps to recognise that such conflicts are natural, if unpleasant and can be helped by open communication during this stressful family time. It may be on the other hand, that the death of your parent brings you and your siblings closer together
The Stages of Grief
There are various stages, which most people will experience when grieving. Grief can be experienced whilst someone is dying, as well as when they have died.
Denial
It is normal to have a reaction of denial when hearing about a terrible accident, sudden death, or diagnosis of a disease
At first, it seems unbelievable. Shock and numbness are two other emotions commonly used to describe this stage
Pain, sadness, and guilt can be associated with this stage, after the initial shock wears off
Anger
The most difficult stage to manage, anger comes when the surviving individual realises denial is no longer an option
People in this stage may lash out at those around them that are trying to provide support
Human nature wants to blame someone or something for the loss. It is at this stage that people often ask, “why me?”
Bargaining
This stage is more common in a person diagnosed with a terminal illness than with someone who has experienced a death in the family
Bargaining almost always involves a conversation with a higher power
Depression
This fourth stage has the most potential for developing into debilitating grief
In the terminally ill, it is at this stage that the person realizes his or her certain death, and may see the situation as utterly hopeless
In the grieving person, it is most important to realise the distinction between normal sadness due to a loss and clinical depression
Even if depression comes later than people think it should, or lasts longer than others wish it would, it is a normal stage in the grieving process and must be worked through
Emotions such as despair, emptiness, and feelings of isolation and extreme sadness are common during this stage
Acceptance
Acceptance is the final stage in the grieving process. This is the place that everyone experiencing grief strives to reach
For the dying individual, this is the stage in which one accepts things for what they are, makes peace with the world, and prepares for a dignified passing
For the loved ones left behind, individuals will make peace with the deceased, accept the loss as a part of life, and move on with their life, although it may be in a different way
How to cope with bereavement
Seek support from others and talk about how you feel to friends and family as much as you can. While considered “normal grieving,” it is important for friends and family of the surviving adult child to be aware of the person’s grief, to be supportive, and to be willing to encourage the individual to seek help for extended, or difficult grief symptoms, such as uncontrolled crying or prolonged depression
Grief will tire you and your energy levels may be lower, so recognise this and try to give yourself time to recover
Look at old photographs and films and reminisce about your parent
You may find it calming and reassuring to keep a physical reminder of your parent with you or near you to remember them by
