How to help bereaved
How can you help someone who is bereaved?
Spend time with the bereaved person they need to know that you will be with them during this time of pain and distress. A sympathetic arm around the shoulders will express care and support when words are not enough
Allow them to cry and talk about their feelings (without being told to pull themselves together). In time, they will come to terms with their loss, but first, they need to talk and to cry
Let them repeat their thoughts and feelings. If you don’t know what to say, or don’t even know whether to talk about it or not, be honest and say so. This gives the bereaved person a chance to tell you what he or she wants. People often avoid mentioning the name of the person who has died, for fear that it will be upsetting. However, to the bereaved person it may seem as though others have forgotten their loss, adding a sense of isolation to their painful feelings of grief
Remember that important anniversaries (not only of the death, but also birthdays and weddings) are particularly painful times. Friends and relatives can make a special effort to be around
Offer practical help with cleaning, shopping or looking after children. Elderly bereaved partners may need help with the chores that the deceased partner used to handle – coping with bills, cooking, housework, getting the car serviced and so on
It is important to allow people enough time to grieve. Some people can seem to get over their loss quickly, but others take longer. So don’t expect too much too soon from a bereaved relative or friend – they need the time to grieve properly, and this will help to avoid problems in the future
What if someone won’t grieve?
There are people who seem hardly to grieve at all. They do not cry at the funeral, avoid any mention of their loss and return to their normal life remarkably quickly.This is their way of dealing with loss and no harm results,
Others may suffer from strange physical symptoms or repeated spells of depression over the following years
Some may not have the opportunity to grieve properly. The heavy demands of looking after a family or business may mean that there just isn’t the time
Some may start to grieve, but get stuck. The early sense of shock and disbelief just goes on and on. Years may pass and still the sufferer finds it hard to believe that the person they loved is dead
Others may carry on being unable to think of anything else, often making the room of the dead person into a kind of shrine to their memory
If any of this happens, encourage the bereaved person to see their GP.
Helping children to cope with bereavement
Even though children may not understand the meaning of death until they are three or four years old, they feel the loss of close relatives in much the same way as adults
It is clear that, even from infancy, children grieve and feel great distress.
However, they have a different experience of time from that of adults, and may go through the stages of mourning quite rapidly
In their early school years, children may feel responsible for the death of a close relative and so may need to be reassured
Young people may not speak of their grief for fear of adding extra burdens to the grown-ups around them
The grief of children and adolescents, and their need for mourning, should not be overlooked when a member of the family has died and consideration should be given to how they are involved in the funeral arrangements
Coping with bereavement following a suicide
It can be particularly hard to deal with the death by suicide of someone you know
As well as the usual feelings of bereavement, you may have a number of conflicting emotions, such as anger with the person for killing themselves, feeling rejected, confusion and guilt
You might also feel relief that you no longer have to cope with their depression and possibly even ashamed of what they have done
An autopsy is usually done after any unexpected death. If this goes against your religious or cultural beliefs, you need to make the Coroner and any professionals involved, aware of this as soon as possible
An inquest will usually follow. Evidence is presented to the Coroner at a court hearing to try to find out what exactly happened
You may find it helpful to come to the inquest – but if you decide not to, you can still get a full report of the inquest from the Coroner’s Office
Getting help for bereavement from the GP
- Lack of sleep can become a serious problem. The doctor may then prescribe a supply of sleeping tablets
- The GP can arrange for counselling or advise on support groups for bereavement
- The GP may prescribe anti-depressants or refer the patient for further help by a specialist
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
