Juggling older parents and teenagers

The average age that people have children in the UK has gone up markedly since our parents’ generation

As more of us have children in our 30’s and 40’s, we do not think about the consequences of this fifteen years or so down the line

One of these consequences, however, is that many people now find that they have the tricky challenge of bringing up teenagers at the same time as having to look after their parents as they age and become more dependent on you

Bringing up teenagers is challenging. The constant bargaining, the sulking, the negotiating, the worry. You need to be around as much as when they were smaller, but in a different way and it can be draining emotionally

If you add into this the fact that you and your partner have hit middle age and your parents may well be ageing and less able to cope than before, you are suddenly dealing with many stressful dynamics all at once

The issues relating to dealing with ageing parents are many, but here are some of the most common:

• Distance: often parents do not live close by and the strain of long distance care can really start to tell. Sometimes, if parents really cannot cope on their own anymore, or need regular visits, it might be a good idea to see if you can relocate them closer to you
• Siblings: which sibling takes the lion share of the care of ageing parents is often a real source of tension. The child who lives closer to their parents resents the sibling who lives too far away to be there every day. The sibling who lives further away feels constantly guilty and finds it difficult to make the journeys as often as they would like. It is really important to talk about this between you, so that everyone can discuss how they can help in the best way given their individual circumstances. Maybe siblings who live further away can help with the paperwork, tax returns, insurance renewals etc
• Responsibility: it is important to understand that, whilst you obviously do have an enormous responsibility for your parents, you also have responsibilities towards your partner and children and that you cannot do it all. Recognise that sometimes you need to get external help and don’t feel guilty about it
• Time: everyone has very busy lives and you need to be organised to keep on top of the demands of ageing parents, your children and have some time for yourself. Keep a diary of who is doing what, when and explain to your teenagers that you need their help with managing the situation. They can take some responsibility too and understand what they can do to help
• Involve the children: As well as helping you manage your time, the kids can help with your parents. They can visit them, chat to them, watch TV, teach them how to use a computer or iPad, or play a card game with them. They can also do some jobs for your parents to lighten the load. Watch our video about how to get the elderly on-line

Watch our video of the best iPad apps for the elderly

• Power of attorney: It’s worth considering getting Power of Attorney for your parents if they are increasingly unwell, or unable to cope. This falls into two areas: power of attorney over legal affairs and Power of Attorney over health. Whilst your parents may be reluctant to give up their independence in this way, you can explain that it is only there in case of emergency. What is does mean is that if they get to a point where they can no longer manage their affairs, or take sensible medical decisions, you can do it for them without enormous legal complications

On top of all this, you need to find strategies to deal with your teens:

• Try not to take your adolescent’s moods and identity crises personally. It’s all part of growing into a mature adult and if you take it too much to heart, you will struggle to manage all your other responsibilities
• Try to agree new ground rules, so that they feel they have some freedom and you still feel you are in control
• Deal with problems together. Tell them what you are faced with in terms of your parents and involve them in the solutions
• Keep lines of communication open. Ask them about their day and get them to ask about yours. Be around later in the evening for when they decide they need to chat

Through all of this, you need to schedule some time for yourself, or you will be unwell yourself and too stressed to help your parents or your teens. Above all, try to keep perspective and try to keep a sense of humour. You can only do your best!

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